Last night (well a few nights ago now) I wept in my husband's arms as my heart broke.
Nearly two years ago, I stood at my kitchen sink, crying as I did the dishes, the longing in my heart to be a mother was overwhelming and I couldn't squish it down anymore. I knew that I had to do something, I wasn’t content in my life, I could only think, hope and dream about the day I would hold my sweet precious baby in my arms. Comparison and envy filled my heart and that dream became more important to me than anything else. As I stood there I knew it was time to give this to God, because if I held onto it any longer it would break me and I knew it was stopping me from seeing the incredible chapter of my story I was in. I laid the desire at the cross and said: "in your time God".
I won't lie, I still go back and stare at that dream and I have to remind myself of why I put it there, “not my will God but yours”. The years that followed that moment at my sink have been full of growth in so many areas of my life, in ways I wouldn't of been able to if I was still consumed by my desire to have a family.
But last night something broke.
Lately, there has been constant reminders that the desire of my heart goes unfulfilled. Not due to anyone's fault, just a season of life my world seems to be situated in.
Despite reminding myself that in God’s timing and if he so wills this could be a part of my story one day, I began to feel that pit opening in my heart again and the oh to familiar thoughts made there way to the forefront of my mind.
Why her? Why them? When will that be me?
As I splashed my face with some cold water and stared at my puffy eyes in the mirror, I reflected on these thoughts (of comparison, jealousy and envy and all that comes with that) and on this mindset I was in. It was in that moment I finally knew what this blog that I have been dreaming of for a long time, would be about. As the puzzle pieces began to fall a name that was going to be a business name found its true home.
Thus Thoughts of Flowers came to be.
We live in a world that does not encourage women to love each other but to live in competition. I want to challenge that cultural expectation and encourage women to lift each other up and champion each other in our hopes, desires and dreams. To rejoice in each other's successes and to support each other through our trails. To not see the woman around us as competition or to envy the life they live but to see women be content in their life and rejoice and live their life to the fullest.
Mostly I want to encourage a culture of honesty, genuine living and being authentic. We all have hopes, dreams, desires and sins we keep hidden. We are not perfect people despite what our Instagram account looks like. I want to challenge what we know. To inspire women to be themselves and love every part of what makes them. To be open about the struggles we face and to help each other overcome them.
Thoughts of Flowers is one woman opening up from the depths of her hear to inspire, encourage equip others and live a life that's authentic on and off the screen.
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